12. Osborne House

Where: Isle of Wight, England
When: September 15, 2013
With: Emma, Gemma, Jad and Richard

Did you ever have one of those epic weekends where afterwards, all you want to do is spend every waking minute with the people you spent it with, reciting jokes and reliving everything you did? Well, I am happy to say that was the essence of the last weekend I spent as a resident of England. With the amazing friends I made in the UK in my two years, I embarked on a weekend camping trip on the Isle of Wight that couldn't have been a better send-off and that I will laugh about for years to come.

We knew the weekend was off to epic hilarity right from the start. Emma had booked us a van with a company called Wicked Campers. They take old passenger vans, gut them, and turn them into camper vans. To complete the look, they spray paint crazy graffiti along the sides as their signature mark. As we walked to pick up our van, we speculated what would be painted on the side. Would it be peace signs and ying yangs? Perhaps superheroes? Maybe music quotes? No. We walked up to the garage to see the back-end of a clown car. Not friendly clowns, which are creepy in their own right, but clowns that emulated Steven King's IT. I was mildly terrified, but it wasn't like we had much of a choice. So we had a good laugh, piled our stuff in, and embarked on this magical mystery tour to the Isle of Wight (and yes, the Beatles went on almost immediately).

The Isle of Wight is an island off the southern coast of England about 2 hours south of London. However, I soon learned just how bad London traffic on a Friday afternoon can be: it took us nearly 5 hours to make it! Luckily, we had plenty of good music, junk food, and things to laugh about to pass the time. 

By the time we made it to the coast at Southampton, we luckily had just made the last car ferry to the island. We drove our hippie van onto the boat and quickly exited to avoid the judgmental stares of the passengers around us. We settled in on the top deck for dinner and a nice round of Cards Against Humanity. 

Forty-five minutes later, we drove off the ferry to find that the Isle of Wight...looked pretty much like every other place in England. But in a good way. We quickly located the 24-hour Tesco where we loaded up on enough snack foods and beer for a week. Upon exiting the store, we appreciated how easy it was to find our vehicle. 

When we arrived at the campsite, it was well past midnight and pitch black. We pulled into the site, drove off towards a quiet hedge, and immediately started pitching tents as quickly and quietly as we could, extremely happy that it had stopped raining as we worked. Then we piled back into our chariot to take advantage of the comfortable seating for five while drinking, playing more Cards and having a mini-dance party. 

The next morning, we got our first view of the campsite and were glad to see that we didn't bother any of our neighbors while setting up the night before. 

Our campsite!

After a nice breakfast, we were off to explore the island!

Our first stop was the western most point of the island, where limestone cliffs cascade down into the sea, ending in a series of white pillars known as The Needles. 

We headed down the steep cliffs for a stroll along the pebbly beach below. 

Of course, Jad needed to touch the water. As he awkwardly leaned over in that "touching the water without getting wet" way, Richard tried sneaking up behind him to give him a topple. However, he soon learned that pebble beaches are not meant for silently creeping up on people. 

We had a lovely stroll down the beach, skipping stones into the water and climbing on the many rock formations along the way. 

Some fun with camera timers.

After our stroll, we opted to take the ski lift up...? First time I've seen that at a beach, but I'll take it. Jad was terrified the whole way up. 

At the top was what I can only describe as a UK version of a Jersey boardwalk - games, junk food, rides, and most important, putt-putt! Clearly, we needed to play a round. 

It was decided we needed stakes to keep things interesting. So we wagered shots of alcohol later in the evening, one for each stroke you fell behind the final winner. The alcohol type on the table was Smirnoff Ice, so it's not like the stakes were too high. At the end, Gemma was the winner!

After our round of golf, the next activity was a weird one: water walking. Basically, against all that you are taught not to do from your childhood, you climb into a giant plastic ball that is pumped full of air from a leaf blower. It is then zipped up with you inside and thrown into a pool of water. Like a helpless hampster, you are left just trying to move, let alone "walk", through the water. Eventually, you are completely breathless and mildly oxygen deprived; however, we had a blast trying.

After that, we partook in the more traditional funfair activities: ice cream, duck bobbing, and oh yeah, an inflatable sword that we beat each other up with for the rest of the trip. 

After all that fun, we decided it was time to start heading back towards the campground. As we entered the parking lot, we had a gentle reminder of which car was ours. 

On the way home, we made a stop in this little village for a drink at the pub. While there, I was finally hit by my first wave of sadness over the realization that we were no longer counting down my time in the UK in weeks, but in days. As I started weeping into my pint glass, everyone quickly noted the situation, and did an amazing job of deflecting and distracting so that I could quickly rebound and get on with having an amazing night. Can you imagine if I had spent the weekend packing? I would have been a mess! Love you guys!

 Nothing distracts like an inflatable sword in the back of a clown car!

We made another Tesco run where we purchased enough food and alcohol to feed the entire campsite. Lots of burgers and sausages, plus the charcoals to cook them. The only thing missing was something to separate the campfire from the grass. So we had to get innovative. With a combo of gravel from the campsite driveway and bowls from our camper van, we had a delicious meal and a blazing hot campfire to last us through the night. The bowls that served as the base for our campfire, however, were not so lucky and served as the casualties of our evening. 

After a full meal, it was time to settle our bets from the mini-golf game. Each person had to take one shot of Smirnoff Ice at a time, announcing with each one "My name is [xx], and I have [xx] shots of Smirnoff Ice left to go."

To make this all far more complicated, we implemented drinking rules, the breaking of which, added another shot to your round. While they may not sound difficult, I can promise you we went through two bottles of Smirnoff Ice much quicker than we should have for five smart, educated people. They were as follows:

1. Left hand drinking - no imbibing from a cup held in the right hand
2. Drink, drank, drunk - these words were forbidden all night
3. No pointing - elbows acceptable
4. Acceptance - if someone hands you a beverage, you must finish it 
5. Parent's names - no one shall be referred to by their first name, but by the parent of the opposite sex's name. 

Therefore, for the remainder of the evening and the week that followed, we were henceforth referred to as Jay, Alan, Trev, Carolyn and Nadia.

One additional rule was set, Rule 0, the rule that shall not be mentioned. That was the rule that said we could not mention the reason we had all taken this trip: no acknowledgment of my impending departure. And so we didn't. And so we had an amazing night.

We eventually brought the party around the campfire, and spent the evening playing more games and making up more rules. There was twerking, Michael Jackson impressions, and conversations consisting entirely of hashtags. Under a full night of stars, there in the dark, it could not have been a more perfect way to spend my last Saturday night in England.

The next morning, the Smirnoff Ice made waking up a little rougher than we would have liked, so we decided to cook a big breakfast to get things going. Sadly, after preparing about a dozen eggs for scrambling, we found our sterno to be out of gas. So out for brunch it was! Too bad, I was excited to watch Gemma cook out of the back of a van. 

Before we left, we had a nice photoshoot with our clown car, just to ensure we remembered just how ludicrous it was. 

For brunch, we drove to the eastern end of the island to the town of Ryde. Along the water was a nice walkway, complete with more quirky shoretown stops along the way. 

Some more fun with camera timers.

Ok, so, I know this post is labelled "Osborne House", but I haven't once actually mentioned the Osborne House. You don't think Emma would have planned a trip without me getting to knock something out of the Book, do you? If you think yes, then clearly, you haven't met Emma yet. As it sits right by the ferry port back to the mainland, we made it our final destination of the trip. 

The Osborne House was the summer residence of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. The pair liked the remote Isle of Wight far better than any other summer residence previously used by royalty, so Albert designed this Italian mansion on the sea. They spent much time here with their nine children, and when Albert died, Victoria stated that the house was to stay just as he left it forevermore. This was where she died in 1901. Overlooking the water, you can see why they loved it so much. 

The house itself was grand, but more like a grand home rather than a palace. So while it wasn't "simple" by any means, it did have a homier feel than some of the other palaces we had seen.

After touring the home and the gardens, we took the long pathway down to the queen's beach. As we walked, we all agreed we'd rather have a bit more time to extend our epic weekend and that a later ferry back to the mainland was in order. Love...these...guys.

The beach itself was small, but perfectly private for a queen. It even had the queen's bathing house, a wooden room on wheels where the queen could change into her bathers, be rolled down into the water, and discretely enter without anyone seeing her "indecent". 

Rich was like a small child who had brought his football to kick around the beach. Despite the many warnings from Emma, he repeatedly kicked it toward the water. But each time the ball landed in the sea, it floated right back to him...until the time it didn't. As it floated out to sea, only Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway could understand how Rich may have felt. "I'll take comfort in the thought that maybe I've made a seal very happy." - Rich. 

One last photo shoot: IOW = Isle of Wight.

No English road trip is complete without afternoon tea. And this was a good one - on a chilly, rainy day, this was the best tea my last one could have been. 

After the Osborne House, it was time to head to the ferry and make our way back to the mainland. In the light of day, we spent some time up on deck to see the view as we floated along. It was difficult to find our van amongst the cars on the ferry, but eventually we spotted it... 

Also, one last epic use of the inflatable sword: to play pirates and pretend we were taking over the ship.

And killing passengers.

A quiet Titanic moment alone with my favorite Lebanese, Nadia. This pretty much sums up our friendship.

The drive home was about as traffic-filled as the way there, but that didn't stop us from having a blast. There were many sing-a-longs, a necessary McDonald's stop, and lots of candy. The energy of the weekend had no end, and even as we dropped off the clown car, it was difficult for us to stop laughing and say goodbye (though I for one, definitely needed a shower). 

So, it is with that I complete my last post of UK residency. However, as I sit here, nearly 6 months after this weekend took place, I am so happy to say that I still speak with these four on a nearly daily basis. This helps allay my biggest fear: that over time, our friendships will fade. But as we plan another epic adventure to Luxembourg next month, I know now that these are friends for life. Thank you, Alan, Trev, Carolyn, and of course, Nadia, for the most amazing sign-off to an incredible two years that wouldn't have been the same without each of you. I look forward to many, many more epic adventures with you.